Screed of a withered old street sweeper

Day after day, all this talk and words...talking out the same things, reading the same things... Once you get to a certain point the enthusiasm of discovery is no longer there, and you go over old ground over and over...and what is missing? What is missing is the missing element of moving up. I.e. we've attained to a new level of understanding, yet we stay in the same freaking level. We don't move up. And there is no guidance on that...no communication. OK, I heard the call, I read the Bible seven times, I learned doctrine, came to see it, accept it, value it, at the hard truth orthodox level... I can see evil in myself, in the world around me...I discern good and evil, I value good, I hate evil...I've developed in other ways...it all has separated me out from the world...I could no more be part of the world now than the world could be where I'm at. Now what? Where is the guidance now? We get ground down and smashed to see our own nothingness...we die, and then are born again...but we are in tatters. All our sin we'd blacked out we now see, so we hate ourselves. We can't fit back in with the world on its terms, which are the only terms it allows. Obviously this is not a father, mother, son, daughter, brother, sister talking. You don't get to where I'm at being those things. This is a Jesus follower. Who is my mother? my brothers and sisters? Not these of the world. We don't move up. Maybe we're supposed to be killed by now. In any school there are levels...grades...or just graduation at least. In this school you are crushed, born again, given teaching, then seemingly set outside in a world that no longer matches what you've become. No churches aren't the answer, they're more worldly than the world...and shallow. No evangelism isn't the answer. God uses people who are still a little a part of the world to evangelize, who can still connect. I'm a toxic freaking monster compared to evangelists I see. I took the full drought. Show me where freaks like me who take the full draught are supposed to go. Let me rephrase that: I GOT the full draught. What is this...gum wrappers...